when reality bites… and the taste is bittersweet.

i seem to be having one of those days. where everything is getting me down and i cant see the rainbows. im so sick of being sick, and tired and drugged up. how did my life go from being a young person to being this sad shadow who cant leave the house because of medication side effects. Ive been sick my whole life with one thing or another and i thought, maybe just maybe i had gotton to a point where i was going to be ok. and this happened, FIbromyalgia. i was going ok, it was managable, and now i feel like im just spiralling down until there nothing left of the person I was. 
I was a happy bubbly bright and clever young person. I enjoyed so many things, and I did everything I could, horse ridding, judo, car racing, gymnastics, singing, reading everything i could get my hands on. before I was 20 I had worked in many different areas and enjoyed learning new things, having new experiences.
I’ve studied cooking, personal care, massage, naturopathy and now fashion design. I love what Im studying, i enjoy it and im actually half good at it. only I am not about to enjoy it as much as I could and should because my body is betraying me. Most days are manageable, pain levels don’t interrupt too much of what I am doing, other days the pain is so bad its hard to have a coherent thought. or maybe its the fatigue that will stop me from being able to get up, or being able to carry my hand bag on the 10minute walk to the train without feeling like i must have a handful of bricks in there.  then again, maybe its the train ride where the delightful feeling of nausea will make me want to pass out and go green in the face. or maybe its that person ont he train who openly judges me for taking a seat or for having the gall to ask for a seat when i look healthy and fine. 

Everyday is a battle, and everyday that I manage do something, anything, I WIN. everyday that i manage to get thru without a breakdown is a day that i WIN. today im not winning so much as going to be getting one of those pesky participation awards. 

Today Im sad for the things that i want to be able to do and cant, for the life of things ive dreamt of doing and will never be able to. for the opportunities i’ve had to pass over because i know that if i tried to do it, I would pay for it with a week in bed trying to recuperate. im sad because I would like to be out celebrating my husbands birthday instead of laying in bed because everything I get up i nearly pass out. Im sad because he deserves so much that i simply cannt give him while I am like this. and im sad because i dont know if I will get better. 

you see while i am typing this I am desperately trying not to look at the words on the screen because they keep jumbling and making me dizzy, and making me confused. and then my head goes all funny and it gets very hard to concentrate or look at anything. This isnt just because of Fibro, its partly because of the medications that Im on to try and treat Fibro. I’ve been at home all week trying to deal with the side effects and trying desperately to get the dosage sorted out so i can get back to some semblance of a life.  I want to be in classes, learning and making presentations rather then sitting at home waiting to see what fun side effect or symptom will happen next. 

Id love to leave this on an upward note, but im just not feeling quite so up. so instead Ill leave you with a bible verse that I find to be relevant to me in my times of struggle.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”

The Lord is good in promises and he loves us, though we doubt and question, he is steadfast and will never leave us. 

i guess, even in my darkest days I know God is there for me. I might at times wonder why i feel like im drowning in sorrow and sadness but i know that one way or another He will reveal to me something wonderful. somedays i just have to search longer and look harder.

ps.  i never really know where my posts are going until they happen. 😀 

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